[Entry wrote on Thursday, August 19th, 2004]

Its been one of the greatest weeks that I have had in a long time. Mainly because I spent the whole week with Soda..and hes such a super cool person to be around ^_^

Wednesday was the day it started, I guess. He came over my house since my mom wasnt home..and we were just gonna chill here for a while. I ended up asking him if he would ever kiss me. And he said "yes..would you like me to kiss you?" I got all happy and goofy inside trying to hide it and just said "sure."
I was expecting him to come over to me and just kiss me on the lips, but he sat next to me and put my legs around his body and started to touch my face, and hair, he started kissing my neck and then moved his way to my lips.

We were just holding onto each other like that for about an hour and a half, since my cousin was coming to pick me up. She called and told me she was about 5 minutes away..so I told Soda it was time to go. He just put his arms around me and burried his head in my shoulder. Finally he said "Ok, well, I guess we need to go then." So..we left.

I didnt really know what to think. If he did all this because he has some alterior motive..or if he really liked me. I knew that the next night we would be hanging out with Red again..I figured that I could judge by the way he acted towards me..around his friends, if he really feels something for me.
All three of us went up to the tower again, and Soda acted, again, like he was interested in me. He layed in my lap and just rubbed my hands and arms while he was laying there. I played with his hair while we listened to Red talk and talk and talk about..lord only knows. I cant even remember, LOL.

He came back over yesterday around 11AM and stayed until pretty late. We just laid in the bed, talked, and looked at each other for a long time. He told me that he likes to hold onto me, and likes to look at me.
One thing that bothered me was this..he is afraid to take off his clothes in front of me. He told me that he is self consious. I guess it is going to take some time for me to convince him that I think hes absolutly gorgeous all over...im not going to judge how he looks with his clothes off.

He left my house for like 5 minutes to run to his house and grab some things..while he was there, something happened between him and his mom and he got kicked out of the house. So he packed all his shit and came back to me.

I guess it made me feel good that he came to me when something bad happened to him. I just stood there with him while he was hugging me and had his head on my shoulder. I kissed his neck and told him everything would be ok.

He said it would only be for a little while..but where he is staying is like 45 minutes from here..so it makes me a little nervous.

Gah..what is happening to me

Just got home from Chips. Fun as usual. Im SUPER tired so I kept falling asleep at his house and it made me feel so bad
Im used to sleeping at Cadences but not Chips. Ill probably go over there Tuesday too

Hes leaving for PA for three days on Thursday, so Tuesday will probably be the last time I see him before he comes back.

I was just noticing his smile. He has the nicest smile I think ive ever seen. He is one of those people that when he smiles..his whole face lights up and its so big and pretty ^_^
WoW I sound like a total dork here. Blah..what can I say? Things are different when you have feelings for someone. I can actually say now that I DO have feelings for him. It has gone beyond just a "crush" or "I like him" kind of thing. I care about him. I care about his happiness, his well being, etc.

Onto another subject:
There are some people in my life who I believe deserve alot more than they are getting. One person in particular. I believe he deserves all the happiness in the world and has yet to achieve it. I really hope it happens for him someday. I love him

I hope no one reads this. I just REALLY need a place to vent right now.

I made Cadence mad today. Hes my best friend. Somehow I knew the comment I made would end up making him mad..somehow I knew..and yet I said it anyway. I was angry..I was hurt. Im sorry I said it.
I wanted him to meet the guy I like. The guy I more than like. It was important to me that he liked him. For some reason I wanted them to get along..Cadences approval would mean alot to me. I dont want to try to be with someone my best friend doesnt like. I dont know im just hurting so bad right now that I dont know what I think at this point.

I got home about 15 minutes ago. It was a great night. I went to Chips job around 10 and I was with him until 8AM. I wish God gave me a chance with him. I wish for it more and more everyday but somehow I know its not going to happen. I guess the more I see him, the more time I spend with him..the more I feel for him and not telling him..or not telling SOMEONE is just killing me. I really love spending time with him. I really enjoy having him as a friend. Id rather have him as a friend than as nothing at all..but sometimes I just want a chance.

I hope he doesnt read this. I dont know what he would think of me.

I had Indian food for the first time today. it was absolutly delicious.

Anyway I have ANOTHER religious rant to go on. I sometimes talk to this guy named Scott online. He is also an American Hindu convert..like me. He is a vegan (doesnt consume any animal products or meat) and im not..im not even a vegitarian. I dont eat beef or pork..but I eat chicken. I told him that I ate some chicken curry today and he proceeded to tell me that because I ate meat..I am not devout or spiritually advanced.

Not to go off the wall here..but who in the HELL died and made him the judge of everyone on this Earth? I dont judge or mark his religious status..and I dont expect him or anyone else to do the same.
I rarely speak of my faith in an in depth manner to anyone..its a very private and personal matter to me. People dont know about my faith..and I like to keep it that way. So he was just judging me on a whim..when in reality he knows VERY LITTLE about what my faith entails and what it means to me.

I cannot stand people who think they are high and mighty because they believe one way and someone else doesnt. I just cannot stand it. He may do things that I dont believe in..I am not judging him for it..or telling him that he is less devout than I am because he does it.
GRRRR!!!!
Then he proceeded to apologize if he offended me and said he was just stating a "fact."

What a FUCKING prick. Excuse the french. That reminds me of people who say I am going to hell because I dont pray to Jesus..then they say they arent trying to judge me..they are stating facts. Im beginning to dislike organized religion altogether if it causes people to act this way.

Anyway..on a brighter note. My friend Jason called the other day and told me that he had internet service so weve been talking and looking at each others art
I had a good day..except for the self righteous gay Hindu.

I got my new computer desk today. It was a hassle trying to get it in the house.

But im in for a different kind of rant. Whats with people who have to say bad things about anothers faith? Or the way that they choose to live their life. It makes no sense.
I used to be one of those people..who made fun of others if they believed differently than me..but in recent times ive learned that its just not the way to be.

What got me started is this...
My mother and I went on vacation a while ago. While we were gone her friend Theresa (a Catholic) came over to feed boog boog. Apparently she did a little snooping in my room as well.
My mom commented to her about how it may be hard for us to get this desk in here..and Theresa said "Well if shed get that seance corner out of the way it wouldnt be so hard."

When she said "seance corner" she meant my altar..where I worship. I have statues, pictures, candles, etc there..all for God. I didnt appreciate that she called it a seance corner at all. Number one..why was she coming in my room looking anyway? Number two..even if she DID look she can keep her mouth shut about my "seance corner" and everything else in my room!

I was ok with everything last night. But now I wish I just had a chance..just one chance. Thats all I want.

I think I eat chocolate as a coping method.
I just noticed that when I feel sad..I just grab some chocolate. Im eating some now..not that im sad. Just that im not too happy. I keep thinking about things I shouldnt be thinking about. Setting myself up to get hurt. Sometimes I think I feed off of pain.
I dont know..I just feel alot of crazy emotions coming at me at once.

On the other hand..I had a wonderful night. Im just now getting in..I was around people I cared about all day. I spent the day with my mom, then we picked up my best friend Cadence, and then I went and hung out with Chip, so..it was alot of fun. I was more comfortable at his house this time..I guess because id been there before.
We watched "As Good As It Gets." It was a really good movie..it will probably be up there in my top ten now.

Im thinking about keeping a writing journal. Because there are alot of things im feeling right now..that I really couldnt type out onto this thing..I dunno...its just weird.

Anyway..im going to go to bed soon.
Adios amigos.

Everyone needs a sense of humor. Some people I talk to..well..they are so wrapped up in other things that they forget to laugh.
Laughing heals, man! LoL.
Anyway..im in a very good mood..I will write more later.

The more and more I talk to this person, the more I want to feel him laying next to me.
Its different. Everytime I think of him I smile. Everytime I thought of Paras (Sid) I cried. Its just different.
I worked today..despite hating to go in on Sundays and almost always wanting to leave early..today I didnt. Today...I was really happy. I smiled and laughed all day. And those smiles and laughs..they came from the inside and they werent fake.

Its weird because..I feel things for this person..and I know he doesnt feel them back. I know its just friends type of thing..but im still happy. I havent been happy in so long. Sure, it doesnt feel that great that I know he doesnt like me back...but thats ok right now.

I think its because he is just a genuinely beautiful person. You dont meet them very often. Im not in love with him or anything..yeah right..I dont even know him that well..love is far from my mind right now. But talking to him makes me happy, little things he says makes me happy..he asks the simplest things that just...make me feel really good inside. Like I have a real friend. Ive only really had one real friend and shes my cousin too.

I saw him. I saw him smile..and heard him laugh. It was great.
Call me crazy..but I guess im crazy haha.

Its been a while since I have last written. Alot has changed about me. Alot has changed in my life. Sid and I are not together anymore. That was my worst fear and about two months ago it came true. He left me, for someone he met on the internet. She left her child and husband to live with him. While I knew in the back of my mind they had something going on the whole time, I was never able to confirm it. Now I am able to. Its been one of the hardest times of my life. I have struggled with myself and I am just now coming around to thinking I am worthy of love again.

But everyone I love or show interest in..just doesnt want me back. I try to laugh it off and act like it doesnt matter. But somewhere deep inside of me I am looking for someone to hug every now and then. Someone to kiss, someone to lay on the couch and watch movies with. Someone to laugh with. Thats all I want and I dont think its too much to ask.

But it doesnt seem to be happening anytime soon.